I don’t know why I am writing this but right now I feel the need to write to myself what I feel. I am in an early stage of our relationship and I guess saying things on face is a bit difficult for me. So, I thought of writing to myself. I never knew he will become as important as he have become to me. In just few months, I am so much into him that sometimes I feel scared about the fact of losing him. Yes, this is insane and quite stupid but I just feel this way and I can’t resist it. Love is a very strong word and it carries so much with itself that sometimes I feel burdened with it. But trust me he make it feel like a feather, soft and light. He has calmed my life, he has sorted the chaos I used to be, he has piled up that stack of mess I used to be; In short, he made many things easy.
But sometimes, I feel insecure not about him but about the situation. You never know what next moment would bring to you. I don’t know why I feel this, I have never been this insecure and fragile. At one side where his presence give me an immense feeling of being strong somewhere deep down I feel weak. I had never been so weak before, I used to be a strong girl with firm ideas but with the flow I have been changed. I want him to strengthen me, to become my power, to be with me to empower me but somehow I am drawn back and the fact that I am becoming weak for him is killing me. May be I am kinda blaming him for everything but I am in such state of mind where things are gradually becoming hard for me and I am losing it all.
I always had a habit to keep control over situation but right now I have no control over anything. Neither my situation nor my mind, I am feeling like I have lost myself in order to get him. All I feel now is frustration and anxiety which has brought a storm in my mind and my heart is sinking inside the ocean of sadness. And I am not liking this, I was never like this. I want to be the same girl again who never believed in giving up and kept moving despite being in worst. I wish I could again turn myself into what I used to be but I am not able to do so.
I am losing it all and I want to save myself before I end up losing my identity in my own eyes. Yes, he is important but what is the point of losing yourself for someone else? If I can’t be myself and love myself, how would I love him? I really want to change things about myself, I want to get back to the person I used to be but it is difficult.
Sometime soon, I will make things right, I will turn my fears and insecurities into my strength. He is my strength, he never intended to make me weak but my own mind did this. I will get back to what I used to be, time is all I need right now.
I know there must be many people like me, those who feel restless because they have been strong for long and when they get someone who pamper them they start thinking that he/she made you weak. They didn’t make you weak, you, yourself did. The problem is you started expecting things much more than you showed them. They started loving you for who you used to be, they loved the person who expects less and deserve much more. And you know what, expectations always make you greedy, insecure and emotionally unstable as a person. If you want to be happy, you need to bring the old you back and by old you, I mean to say the happy, mature and practical person in you not this stubborn child.
Yes, everyone loves to be pampered but that doesn’t mean to destroy yourself. You need to calm your mind and clear up the shit. You are the only person who can bring change in your life, so basically YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT YOU HAVE BECOME. Your partner never loved you for being a mess because when you met them you were not like this, you were a sorted and smart person. Your overthinking ruined you. You better sort yourself out first and then think about the things.
I am sure you all can do it. You are stronger than you think you are. Remember the time, when you used to get your things done super smoothly? You are still the same my dear. All you need is a little push to get yourself together and face the situation like a BOSS. I hope you will overcome from these shitty feelings soon and become a better person than ever.
WISH YOU LUCK.
TRUST ME, YOU CAN DO IT!
NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE TO HANDLE AND SO DOES YOUR FEELINGS.
YOU BETTER KNOW THAT YOU ARE A PRO AND YOU CAN DO IT.
STAY HAPPY! STAY BLESSED! LOVE YOURSELF!